I’d hated him in high school. He was gifted everything I toiled for, and I loathed him for it. The women, the clothes, the indefatigable confidence encircled him like air. The same air that grew stale in my mouth, and choked me when I tried to speak. I wasn’t consumed with envy. At least I don’t think so. His presence never weighed long on my mind. Only, a part of me perhaps wanted to keep time with him. To march in step with the beat of his drum. To rap tap tap on my own, and when the sound had eclipsed his, trip him and continue on. Immortal, for the moment.

So I sit across the lobby, like a reflection of you. Uncomfortable in my own skin, and the words still won’t come. Do I say hello? Introduce myself, because my voice will stir nothing in your memory. Would we engage in small talk? Just ignore the elephant. Will my hands shake when we embrace? Will yours? As you reach out into the darkness. Alone again, as the first time. Can you relate to me your experience? The fight and the courage and the fear. The flash and then the silence, and now the ever present darkness. Can I pity you? Do I deserve the right? Would you accept the sympathy of the man who abhorred you? So I don’t say anything. Instead I observe you, as you sit on a rock in a sea of people. All who are too polite to say a word. Then, the pretty blonde takes your hand. And she guides you into the sanctuary. Wherein you cry hallelujah…

…and I realize that nothing has changed.

 I still hate you.

Only a little bit more than I hate myself.  Rap tap tap, tap-tap, tap tap.

I’m not sure how many of the sophisticated individuals that have stumbled across this hideous blogging effort at one point or another have seen the Louie show. It’s kind of off center. There’s no laugh track, and a lot of jazz. Chaos erupts out of thin air, and sometimes you don’t even know why you are laughing in the first place. It’s not a Chuck Lorre formulaic production. I say all that to set up a SPOILER of sorts, although since I assume most people aren’t watching this show, it’s not that big of one. The past three episodes have been centered around the main character’s attempt at getting to host the Late Night Show. So Louie’s been running, and auditioning on empty stages with stools like he’s Clint Eastwood or something. Unfortunately things weren’t going so hot. He finds himself sitting in front of an old Hollywood producer and the man says make me laugh. 3, 2, 1, Go!

As much as this is going to make me sound like a sap, this scene got to me. I was just sitting there watching Louie try and explain to this guy the complexities of his comedy style, while the producer just boils it down to brass tax. Make me laugh. And as Louie watches his chance at this unbelievable opportunity slip, his face contorts in an effort not to cry. Meanwhile, i’m sitting at home with tears leaking down my face, like why don’t you understand!!Why don’t you get that funny isn’t just a switch that you turn on. 

“This is it Louie” he said (although that’s paraphrasing from my memory and might not at all have been what he said) “You’ve got one last shot or you can seriously leave my office and we’re done. 3, 2, 1….” Louie swallows his pride, turns around and proceeds to make fart noises and slap his belly (a belly by the way that has no reason being as white as it is given how much money he makes). I sat there for three seconds, completely stunned. Then laughed my head off. There’s something just so magnificent about a show that appreciates comedy as much as this one does. It breaks your heart and then uses comedy to mend the pieces.

I adore this show.

p.s. don’t go watch the show based on my opinion, decide you don’t like it and complain to me. It’s not for all markets.

p.s.s. I assume that if you’ve already read through this mess then one more post script won’t hurt you. Check out Happy Endings! The show is amazing. People (actual people, not the magazine) call it the new Friends. I call that offensive, as Happy Endings is significantly better than Friends.

p.s.s.s. nah, just kidding.

P.sx4 to clarify, kidding about the previous post script, not about Happy Endings, which is WAAY better than Friends.